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Thursday 7: Math
On this very day, the 1st of February 2011, my whole world crashed and burned to ashes.
I lost someone incredibly close and dear to me. I couldn't possibly have been feeling more guilt and regret than I'm doing now that I know that I will never get to see this person again.
It all began as a pretty cool day. OK subjects, OK teachers and best of all; short school day because my dear mom wanted me (forced me) to come with her to an acupuncturist she uses. She thought some acupuncture would help me getting rid of my headaches and similar problems.
On our way down to the appointment, we got a call from my aunt (my dad's sister) and she told us that grandmother had had a new attack with difficulties to breath. The nurses at the old people's home had already called the ambulance.
Since my aunt has a sort of "thing" with make small problems into big crises, my dad didn't take it too serious because both he, his sister and the crew at the old people's home knew that grandma had had similar attacks before and always come from it with her life out of danger.
Neither of the passengers in the car offered it much more thought because we knew that the doctors had it all under control. I made it through the acupuncture (which was really painful at some points) and we was heading home.
But then, the call from the hospital came.
Grandma was unconscious.
"Get to the hospital," my mom said. "Then you can say 'goodbye', just in case this shouldn't end well."
So we drove straight to the hospital, hoping that it would all end well as it had used to to this far. My grandma was a very strong - willed woman and amazingly strong physically too for a person of her age.
My dad and I went inside and was told to stay in the waiting room until the doctor could come and inform us about her state.
I have no idea for how long we were sitting there, but it felt like eternity!
After a while, the doctor came and told us how a big area of her heart seemed to not get enough oxygen and a smaller part was having trouble beating. She was still breathing for herself, but they had attached her to some medical equipment - which I unfortunately don't know the name of - to help her breath.
The doctor said that they would have to see how it went, but if her breathing became weaker they would have to ask us to turn of the medical breathing equipment and let her silently fall to sleep. Since grandma had been feeling well and not having any health problems the last week, the chances for her to survive was indeed present, and I felt a little spark of hope and a sudden feeling of peace spread inside me.
Of course, in the same minute a Swedish doctor rushed in and said: "It's over. She fell asleep."
I don't think I can manage to write any further details on this without starting to cry again, but the main content is that I felt (and still feel) so guilty. I feel guilty because I didn't talk too much with her when she spent Christmas Eve at our place and I feel guilty because I should have told her that I loved her more often.
But the most heart - breaking thing that I can't stop thinking about is that I can't remember the.last.time I gave her a hug.
There was so much I wanted to ask her about. I don't know anything about her childhood or how things were working out on the farm we live at during WWII. I don't know anything!
There was so much I was planning to ask her about when I got the time to it.
It seemed like we had plenty of time. That there was still many years to come!
And now that she is gone and I never get the chance to talk to her again, I feel just TERRIBLE.
When it comes to dA work such as my commission for
and 
I will unfortunately have to postpone it until after the funeral is done. I'm terribly sorry that I have to keep you waiting, guys!
Rest in peace, grandma. I wish so badly that I could have said 'goodbye' and given you one last hug
Hopefully, you are at a even better place now together with grandpa.You will still be alive in our hearts and you will always be the best grandmother that has ever lived!!!
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